The truth about sitting in the dark.

Having struggled on my own, fighting these demons, trying to stay strong for so long, it all came crashing down. I had withdrawn myself from all emotional feelings, put on a fighting smile and tried to conquer the day. If I played the role in the end I should surely start believing it right? WRONG. I tricked myself into thinking I could, but that masks only lasts so long.

I was broken, I was scared, I was in pain, I mentally was broken, I was lost. I was depressed.  Woooph. It’s ok to admit this, it’s ok to feel this way, it’s ok to feel lost in the dark, it’s ok to acknowledge the dark thoughts going on in your mind. The first step is to acknowledge your feeling this way, it’s hard, it’s vulnerable and may take time. But I’ve learnt your never truly alone.

There are two parts of my journey. One my depression, Two the new faith that would come to save my life. Jesus. (I will post about this separately)

My doctor sat me down, we spoke and discussed the next steps. I said my parents were unaware about how low I was feeling however they knew but they trusted I would come to them when I was ready and support and loved me until then. I was hestitant to go on Anti-Depressiants but agreed to try them. They first kind I took, took away all my feelings within 24 hours and made me feel like a zombie so I went back and explained I went from feeling like there was no point to life to then feeling NOTHING at all. So we tried a new type which I felt better and more like a human on.

I went home phoned my mom in tears and both my parents came home and hugged me, told me they loved me. I explained to them that I was getting help and would tell them when I was ready.

I had gone months and months stuck in the dark, feeling worthless, had my identity taken away from me, like I was just a human test subject, vulnerable having to continually getting undressed in front of every doctor I met. I had gone from being sad to feeling nothing mentally and emotionally. The pain was enough, added in too the loss of everything I enjoy, not being able to work, to drive, taking pills everyday just to get out of bed, only wanting to be in bed everyday wrapped in a ball, it had started to take its toll. I was a burden to my family, a friend who couldn’t go out, who cried all the time and was pretty much a kill joy. I wanted it all to end, I wanted my old self back but that didn’t seem to be happening anytime soon. I wanted to just disappear forever. Who would notice, who would miss me……

What would save me I will tell on my next post. Seeing my doctor was the best thing I ever did.

But if you are feeling this way, depressed, sad, lost and lonely. If you think there is no one who cares. THERE IS! I promise you that from the bottom of my heart. Maybe try and talk to someone, a friend, a family member, a doctor or MIND, Smaritians, HEADS TOGETHER, me. There are people who care, who are in your corner, reach out just one word can help change or save yours/someone’s life.

Step out of the darkness. It may not be comfortable, it’s vulnerable, scary. BUT YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY. YOU ARE WORTH MORE. Do not give that little voice in your head anymore power. Reach out.

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